Oh Kaelynn, just imagining what you're going through makes me shudder. My g'ma is still alive...but I dread losing her. We have much the same bond you describe. I honestly don't know what I'll do when the time comes. But I do know this much: She would want me to do what was right for me, as she always has. In my case, I would want to be there with her...but that's me. If I couldn't do it, she'd understand that too.

I also remember what it was like when my mother's mother (g'ma S.) died....I didn't have nearly the same relationship with her; nor, for that matter, did my Mom. But the feelings of loss, powerlessness, and overwhelming responsibility for absolutely everything built a living hell for my mother that summer. I don't regret not being there when G'ma S. died, and I don't regret opting out of the viewing. I have no memory of her in her coffin, and I like it that way. But I very much regret not being more of a support for my mother during that time. You're each going through your own private hell right now, and I think you're right that you have to do that in your own ways...but I'm sure she's trying to do right, as wrong as she might be. She's losing her mother....don't compromise your principles, but don't make it worse for her than it needs to be.

Remember we're here for you always, and I wish you and your entire family peace in these next awful days.

G

kaelynn, I'm so sorry for you. I won't say that I'm sorry that this situation is coming to an end though, and I hope you don't think that I'm callous when i say that. You and I have traded PM's but i want you to know that I think you are handling this in very mature fashion. Just take a deep breath and get through one day at a time. This is a trying time for everyone in your family.

Shoot me a PM if you needs to talk it out.

(((Kaelynn)))

Oh hon...you do what you have to do and just know that there is no wrong or right way to handle the loss of someone you love!

I am not religious and I do want a living will (I should get on that as a matter of fact)...but one has nothing to do with the other. Like Lilith, I am an organ donor...and I believe if my quality of life is such that all that is left to do is wait it out for me and cost my family pain and money, then I don't want to hang on and be the cause of that. If time will only take a worse toll on my body and on my loved ones emotions and there is no hope for me what-so-ever then I want to die with dignity, and ensure that any organs that can be harvested are viable and can do some good for the people who so desperately need them!

As to your mother and her "temporary insanity"...Kaelynn, she is clinging to those around her who she loves most to "hold her up" at a time when she feels she is falling so hard and fast. Her "selfishness", and your feelings of being "selfish" are completely normal in a situation like this. There is no way everyone can handle this loss with perfection because all of your emotions are just that...your emotions and her emotions! You won't be able to do everything your mother is asking of you...and that is ok. If you could write down what you said to us in your last reply (with a few tweaks), or tell your mother most of what you said to us...even in her fog she might somehow understand your feelings better and stop being so demanding on you. I can't guarantee it'll happen...and I can't say (only you know how she'll handle what you say to her) if it'll hurt or help...but it's my feeble attempt at trying to help you go down such a tough path in life.

It's been said that the dying cling to life for their own certain reasons...and I do believe they know they are dying...and I do believe that they need to hear that it's ok to go from the ones they love. I believe this because I was at my mother's bedside when she died...and she clung and clung till I finally told her to let go. I didn't want to do it for the same reason you don't...but I did it because I felt (at the moment) that she was waiting to hear it. I didn't want her to suffer any futher because of me. But...this is MY belief and if it isn't yours I am not saying to go against your heart!

One more thing...in a natural situation such as your grandmother's, I think that dying is hardest on the people not doing it! At the point that your grandmother is at, I'll go so far out on a limb as to say it might be euphoric for her now. This is to say that when the body begins to shut down I think that a calm comes over us and we are no longer suffering the pain and sadness that we might have in the earlier days.

We're born, we live, and we die...and all between is life with it's ups and downs. To everthing there is a season! I hope your happy memories outweigh your current saddness and that your sorrow is short lived!

(((Kaelynn & Family)))

__________________
Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

Well she died Friday at 8:05pm. My Aunt, Uncle, Mom, Dad, and Myself were all standing around her holding her hand when she died. Once they turned off the venalator she lasted like five minutes, they gave her morphine to ease any pain she may have, suddenly she was gone. Everyone around me is taking it hard, I cried really good one night on the phone with my master, and since I have been good, I just don't like thinking about it or talking about it anymore. I just want to move on and get other stuff done. I will be reading and singing at her funeral. I am also working on a Power Point presentation of pictures to put up during her viewing. I am not looking forward to seeing her in some box. I can't tell you how much sleep I have lost, and I just can't wait to pick up my brother and sister at the airport tomm morning (kinda today) on my birthday, luckily the church we are using is busy, we almost buried her on my birthday... I really wouldn't have minded... I love her and it would give me another thing to remember about her. At least I get to be with my family when I turn 21... It will give us all a good reason to drink! lol

__________________
~Kaelynn~

Some days life can be shitty , some days life can be outstanding ;
Sometimes you find love , sometimes you find fun ;

Just remember through all these changes you are you, special and unique...

Just a reminder to those who are like me and need it...

I'm so so sorry for your loss. Letting go is such a difficult thing to do.....but it's right and good and necessary when there's nothing else you can do to help them.

My thoughts go with you as you journey through your beloved grandma's funeral services with your family.

__________________
Everyone knows that laugher is great foreplay!

Condolences to you and your family.....she is at peace now.

Sorry to read of your loss. Hoping that you can find comfort, Kaelynn, in the love of your family ... and the love and support of your friends here at Pixies.

Oh Kaylynn, I'm so sorry. May you pass through the grief when you're able, and focus on how much she enriched your life. She'll always be with you, in her own way.

Wishing you peace and strength,

G

Kaelynn,

She's gone now and beyond pain.

Funerals are a path to doing our own grieving publicly and privately, and then closing

that book for a while.

Let the final emotional sorting out happen "in the background" so that one day you

can just turn around and greet her memory with unmixed joy.

Luck!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

((((((((hugs))))))))

__________________
Trees give peace to the souls of men * Nora Waln

The forest would be very quiet if no other birds sang than those who sing the best * Henry van Dyke

some fairly sordid tales, rambles, and anecdotes
Hypothetically Speaking * Something More * Cammy Interrupted * An Experimental Vacation * Masked * so..damn..hot * Thank You * My toy, his idea * no.19 Maple Lane * I Have A Surprise For You * Yesterday * In a Quiet Kitchen * help me decide * untitled prose * more untitled prose

:hug: :hug:

I hope you and your family are ok....

__________________
I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

Kaelynn,

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It truly is one of the hardest things ever. Don't be afraid to be sad, and find someone to lean on - you will need it. Don't try to be strength for everyone else right now. I know that you know in your heart she is in a better place, but I also know that it still hurts like a bitch. Things will get easier and I will be thinking of you.

LAW

((kaelynn)) peace, love, and comfort to you

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
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