You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need a

refresher course: We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season.

Any minute now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person

pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic

meteorological points.


(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.


Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new

to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for

the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our

insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple

three-step hurricane preparedness plan:


STEP 1:

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three

days.

STEP 2:

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3:

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.


Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this

sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.


We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this

insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic

requirements:


(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin


Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that

might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would

prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be

required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the

insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around

for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly

equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company

can drop you like used dental floss.


SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the

doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and

disadvantages:


Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,

they're cheap.


Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get

them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands

will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.


Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and

will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have

to sell your house to pay for them.


Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane

protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand

hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He

lives in Nebraska.


HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like

barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc...

You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if

you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).

Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly

missiles.


EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route

planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at

your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying

area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped

in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a

gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred

thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.


HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them

now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible

minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with

strangers over who gets the last can of cat food. In addition to food and

water, you will need the following supplies:


23 flashlights.


At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off,

to be the wrong size for the flashlights.


Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the

bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)


A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a

hurricane, but it looks cool.)


A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody

who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate

alligators.)


$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can

buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.


Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,

it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning

on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right

next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is

for everybody to stay away from the ocean.


Good luck, and remember: Its great living in Paradise.

__________________
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