((((((((((((((((((((((((((Larry))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))

Had to do the most important thing right off.

Second most important thing. THANK YOU!!! Thank you so very much for whatever got you away from the research and into the psych ward. Thank you for getting the help you needed to get over the crisis bump. Thank you for reaching out to us for more help. Thank you for coming back to us.

Third most important thing. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Larry)))))))))))))) ))))))))))))

Next....I know how you feel. Read that twice, I've been where you are. Nothing I'm about to say is guess work. I know that telling you it's going to get better sounds like noise. I know it feels that you're the only one who's ever had it JUST this bad. I know that it feels that walking away from life makes sense. I also know there's a little tiny voice in the back of your head SCREAMING ITS LUNGS OUT that this is wrong. It may not be articulate, but it's fighting for your life. It's your friend. You say you don't know why you're writing this? That voice is why. You're writing this because it's looking for the tools it needs to win for you. It wants to engage your rationanility, so its making you spell out the problem. It knows that writing is theraputic for you. That talking is theraputic for you. That here you can do both at the same time. It knows that if you write and talk here, friends are going to come piling out of the woodwork, and it will have allies. And I know all of that, because my little voice was the reason I decided to play with traffic right outside the school's mental health clinic. And when it couldn't get through to me any other way, it pointed out that I couldn't be sure I'd be the only one who'd die in a crash. Then it only had to get me another block, and through a very difficult door. But it did it. Where the hell else would they have been able to deal with someone who stepped up the to the desk and handed over her keys saying, "I don't think I should have these right now." I know exactly what the temptations are, and I know when you're in that space they make sense. I also know that they are wrong.

At this point, everything's important...so this is just the next thing. And the next thing is repeating that last sentence over and over until my fingers fall off. They're wrong wrong wrong. How do I know that? Chemistry, damn it. Scientific fact. Larry, Hon, your brain just aint working right at the minute. Accept that. I can tell you specifically how it's not working, but that doesn't matter. Just accept your onboard computer's got a virus. If nothing else. The people who survive suicidal spells are those who let their friends keep track of truth while they recover the ability. Tell me you're hurting, and I will believe you. I will cry with you. Tell us that you are dealing with problems that you just can't carry, and we'll help shoulder them. Tell me that life can't get better, and all I can say is that I remember when I was feeling that way, and I was broken too. I was wrong, and you are wrong now. It may not feel like it, so you have to go find the person or people in life you trust. Some have God for this, I had friends. You make them the keepers of your reality for a short time. If they say life can get better, you let that be real even if it feels like letting 2+2=5 for a while. Go ahead and argue with them if it helps, but let them win. Cause right now, mentally speaking, you need to turn over your keys. Just like me, you shouldn't have them right now.

Tell me you haven't got anyone who cares about you enough to do that for you....and I KNOW you're wrong. How? Before today I could count on the fingers of one hand the number of people I'd admitted my little bout of suicidal depression to. The whole damn internet now knows my secret, and I don't care. Because there's a _chance_ you might come back and see it and use it for your own good. Just on these boards, I've seen the good, the funny, the loving and the lovable in you. I'm not the only one. Let them, and they'll show you. But I know I'm on the list of people willing to help, I've seen them above me on this thread, I'm sure more have posted while I've been scribbling, so I know it can't be no-one.

Finally. The most important thing. And I'm saying this even while I know it's likely not to make sense to you yet. It will pass. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem chosen by a damaged instrument. Anti-depressants are tricky, slippery little bastards. There are lots of reasons why your dosage may not be working now. I'm totally available to you to talk about why if you want, your doc is an even better choice. Give him/her the time he/she needs to find the new right answer. It may require talk therapy, dealing with past trauma, time, life changes, different drugs, whatever. But so help me, it will pass. It will not be easy, and it breaks my heart that that's so. I want to make it easy for you. I can't, but I can tell you it _will_ pass. And you will wake up one day, shocked to realize that rain feels good on your skin, and trees are worthy of awe, and nothing nothing nothing bad that happens to you or around you will take that away from you so completely ever again. Because you'll remember that it always comes back.

As far as the repressed memories. I don't know why now. But be fair, there never was a good time. If they're undermining your recovery by coming out, they were probably doing the same when they were under-wraps...just more sneakily. It's better to get them out. Lil's right, though. It's ok now. What happened was a long time ago, and far away. Maybe they're coming back now because you're safe, or ready, or you've just been lucky for 50 years. Maybe the subconscious respects the Government's time line for declassifying information. It doesn't matter. It happened to a different person, you've grown and changed so much. In my case, I think so much of my mental energy was being channeled into just keeping me alive, that I couldn't keep the barriers up any more. I didn't remember new trauma, but the memories of a fairly crappy childhood were more omnipresent, coming up more often, and I felt more strongly about them. But on a very real level, why doesn't matter. It happened to a different person, you've grown and changed so much. It may have influenced who you became, and knowing it consciously may help you into the person you're becoming (I don't think that kind of change ever stops. It just slows for some.). But it is happening, and I wish you the strength to handle it. You're welcome to some of mine if you need it.

Most importantly, though: ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Larry))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))

I wish you peace, I wish you strength, and I wish you the clarity to see just for a moment how very much you are loved.

G