OMG I have so much I want to say to you sweetie! My post may be longer than yours!

First of all, I can COMPLETELY understand the reason you're feeling bad. Women are brought up to think that all men are interested in is sex and that being attractive is the be all and end all of life. As much as our brains tell us that that isn't true, there is some instinct in women that NEEDS to be found sexually attractive. We want men to want us, and that can be more important than the act of sex. Don't feel bad about feeling like that. It's natural. But don't expect him to understand, because men don't operate in the same way to women (proven psychological/ physiological fact - NOT generalisation).

Now, perhaps we should have a look at his point of view. Obviously, I haven't spoken to him directly and I'm not a guy, so I'm theorising on what might be going through his mind, consciously or subconsciously.

He has been married for ten years to a beautiful younger woman whom he loves and adores in everyway. She is a sexually vibrant energetic, thoughtful caring loveing person whom he really doesn't feel he deserves. She wants sex but he feels a little intimidated: he wants to please her more than anything else in the world but it's a frightening thought that he might fail. What if doesn't turn her on? What if he doesn't perform well enough to satisfy her? What if she is shocked by the more wild fantasies he uses during masturbation? Remember that the more a person cares for you, the more vulnerable that person can feel (through no fault of yours girls-rule, this is an internal thing which the outside world has little effect on) and the harder it becomes to open up to them sexually.

Unfortunately you two are now in a situation where, you are both suffering from a lack of confidence, which will prevent either of you being forthcoming and putting your money where your mouths are sexually. You're frightened of trying to seduce him and failing, he is frightened of disappointing you. Go ahead and ignore me if you think I have it all wrong - I won't be offended. But if this strikes a chord in you, then bear in mind that working out the cause of the problem can be half of the answer to it.

As for practical solutions: it's clear that you and he have a lot of respect in your relationship and perhaps he needs to know that you can still respect each other while being more sexually open and explicit with each other. There are two ways of talking about sex: you can talk about it the way we are talking about it right now or you can talk about it on a more personal level. Try making a promise to each other that no matter what the other person says - no matter how shocking or surprising etc the other person's revelation might be, that you won't be shocked or repulsed or embarassed and you won't mock them. Then disclose some fantasies to each other....talk about the things that really tip you over the edge during masturbation, the things that really make you hot when you're watching porn. Talk about it in detail, try to extract exactly what it is about any given scenario that turns you on. Hopefully this will break down some barriers and it will also give you an insight into ways you can seduce him where he won't be able to say no. No matter how tired etc he's feeling. Focus on the positive sides of your relationship and on the positive sides of sex rather than only discussing your sexual problems which will bring you both down.

Perhaps you could try making a pact that you won't just 'try harder' but that you'll reinvent yourselves sexually (not necessarily physically) and that you'll shrug off the old expectations you have of each other in terms of sex. Promise yourselves that the next time you make love it's going to be as though you are two strangers who have just met and eny of the bad habits you've fallen into sexually will be abolished. Lie on the opposite side to him that you normally do, if you normally keep your eyes open, close them or vice versa. If you think he'd like a wild and dominating woman for the evening, just do it - don't think about 'what will he think of me - I feel silly' because you've promised each other that you won't think badly of the other person. Even if you try something new to you - a new position or new phrases to use in bed and it fails horribly, just agree that it doesn't work, have a giggle about it and try something else.

I know that all this is easier said than done, but you are very lucky. You have something a lot of people here would kill to have: a partner who is willing and keen to work with you to improve your sex life. All you both need to do now is take a deep breath, pluck up your courage and jump into the water.

Good luck - and sorry to go on so much. x

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