Girls-rule....first, love the name. Second, listen to Loulabelle...she's dead right on this one. But it sounds like you've already figured that out ;-).

On a slightly different tack, you mentioned a medical condition and hinted at something that might be a kind of chronic pain. Something to remember about that sort of thing (if I spotted it right) is that chronic pain cycles during the day. Which may be part of the reason why he's able to go out and play with you during the day, but hurts too much in the evenings. You said a couple of things that made me think you guys are more active in the evenings ("you're all mine tonight" sorts of things), which might BE part of the problem. While everyone has different peaks and dips, generally the "bad" times are first thing in the morning (if he's on medication for it, 'cause that's when he'll have gone without for the longest time) and last thing at night (for other reasons). People in your shoes just have to master the joys of mid afternoon sex with nighttime cuddles ;-).

I think you've gotten tons of good advice here. I'd just add that I think you're right that you're going to have to lead this dance, for the time being. The two of you may have a lot of relearning to do...behaviour patterns are tough to break, ask any ex-smoker. But it can be done! And it's so worth doing. But baby steps are the right way to go at first.

In addition to the great advice you've already gotten, a couple more gentle nudges have crossed my mind. If he's not comfortable right away with you helping him masterbate...maybe one of those nights when he's too tired and you've had your glass of wine...you could ask if he'd just watch you? It's a big thing for you, I know...but might not be such a big thing for him. And it might put a chink in his armor. And I did have another idea.....what was it.....oh right! Bedtime stories. There are erotic stories out there that are gentle, and subtle, and play more on the emotions than the physicality of sex. If he can be turned on by words, you could start reading him those. It won't always lead to sex, but it will open the door...just a bit.

Most of all, though....stay with us. I can't think of a better place to reprogram your own mind and celebrate your successes ;-). Besides, I want to hear the happy ending to this one.

Excellent advice! Boy oh boy we have some really smart and helpfull people at Pixies! GingerV's last statement to stay with us is the best by far! Though most of the advice here isn't from a doctor........it is teriffic advice in that it's from real life experiences and from the heart.......and not from books that teach a single solution to a multitude of people with similar problems yet subtle differences. All the different perspectives are what makes it well worth asking for the advice in the first place. What might be missed in one response, can be touched on in another. Then you can consider all the advice from each post that applies to you and your own personal situation. You'd pay a king's randsom for that kind of counseling from individual therapists!

Best of luck hun!