Ex-Wife and kids

[imalikalotapuss]

I hope some of my more experienced pixies friends can give me some input on this matter. Some of you already know alot of the story, I am divorced and have one child that is my own with her..two step-children and a child that was born out of the marriage..in other words she had an affair. I have found a real nice lady..could be serious. The problem is this..my ex is throwing an absolute shit fit. She has threatened me and told me many times that this woman that she has never met is a trouble some bitch that my kids can't stand..and that i need to choose between the new lady or the kids..according to her..they hate her and don't wish to be around her. I ask them and they tell me that she is ok. The ex-wife even turned the girl friend for child abuse..because supposedly there is a bruise on my 15 year old son. Of course the social worker either couldnt or wouldnt tell me who reported the bruise. The bruise if there is one..wasnt caused by my girl friend..if anything it was me and my dad..and son horse playing. It is really pissing me off..and would like some advice, or input..i thought when i was divorced that i would be rid of the problem, but obviously not. Help!!!!!! :mad:

[BigBear57]

Damn, I can name this tune in 3 notes. Man your ex is experiencing control issues. If you have someone in your life she can't pull the strings for free sitting when she wants. She's afraid anybody in your life will complicate things for her. I had similar problems and even mistook her ranting for having feelings for me. Talk about a rollercoaster ride! Finally I just had to tell her to butt the hell out. I'm as much a parent as she is and I would n't dream of having anyone in my life that didn't get along with my kids. I was quite a bit harsher than that and it shocked her to no end. We didn't talk for a few days but when we finally did she was a different person. I wish you the best, I sure know how Ya feel. I hope my little bit of nothing helps to some degree.

[imalikalotapuss]

BigBear..thanks just knowing that i am not the only one that has had this problem helps a bunch..i have tried to ignore her but i guess that isnt going to work..thanks i appreciate it.

[Pegasusx62]

I haven't been through anything like this ....but I agree with BigBear...it's a control issue & I think very much a jealousy issue. Need to put a stop to it now sweetie...or you will have to deal with her doing this to you no matter who you're having a relationship with. You deserve to be happy. Hugs & Kisses..

[jennaflower]

(((HUGS)))

Like my friend BigBear57 said.. it is all about control.. and her desire to be the one with it.. tell her to butt the hell out.. and walk away from her... your kids are old enough to stand up for themselves...

[imalikalotapuss]

Pegasus..and Jennaflower..HUGS and KISSES to both of you..you both are great friends. Thank you for the words of encouragement..they mean a lot. :)

[Steph]

My ex had an ex just like that! Grrrrr. She was the one who wanted to separate but as soon as he started dating me, she had issues.

Is there a way you could talk to her & find out what her problem is? Tread lightly. You usually can't win with people like her. The key is letting her pretend she's won.

[imalikalotapuss]

Steph: I think that her problem is that she wanted the divorce until she got it...and now can't stand me going on without her. She is too immature to really sit down and have a real conversation with. It was ok for her to have an affair and have a child, but it isn't allright for me to date and have a relationship that doesn't involve her. I wished i knew how i could make her think that she has won, because that is the only way she will be happy. I keep hoping that if i don't respond to any of her letters that she will evenually get it. I wonder if moving away would help, i sure have considered that.

[GingerV]

People get hurt by all sorts of things that they shouldn't. I know I've been wierdly jealous of guys _I_ broke up with, once they find someone new. I don't want them back....but I guess I feel that if their new relationship is working out, they must be doing something different. Trying harder. Fixing whatever went wrong with us. I have NO reason to know that, she may just have a higher bullshit threshold than I did. But the selfish little voice in my head tells me they're doing it better this time, and I want to know what makes her more worth trying to hold onto than me. Nonsense, but it's how it occurs to me. I feel less adequate than the person they're having a successful relationship (or so I guess) with, and that hurts. But I know that just because I'm hurting, it doesn't mean I've got anything to get angry about. At least, not productively. I'm angry at the person they used to be, or even the person I used to be. It's got nothing to do with who they are now, or whom they're with. So I take a deep breath, wish them all the best, and get on with being happy with where I am now.

Still, it's a human thing...when we hurt, we want to be angry. We want to blame the hurt on someone, because if it's someone's fault....just maybe they can make it stop. We never seem to want to admit that pain just happens, there isn't always someone to blaim, and that if you quit fighting it...it gets better faster. Don't know why.

I'm guessing that part of this is what has your exwife in a spin. Your relationship didn't work out...for whatever reason. You're happy now, it's not with her, on some level she can read that as a personal inadequacy. It hurts, she wants to blame someone....and humans can make up the most astounding reasons to justify something they need to be true. All you can do is not let her fantasies become contagious, keep them at arm's length and get on with your life. Ain't easy. Ain't anything LIKE easy. But it's necessary to build that mental wall between her noise and your reality. It sounds like you're doing it right, don't rise to the bait, don't try to shout her down, just drone her out and get on with it.

But as a child of a few divorces (trust me, it was more than one), can I just say that you may be dealing with some crossed wires with your kid(s? don't know if you're still involved with the step-children, or just your natural one). It's sometimes hard for kids to let the new woman in, and still feel like they're being faithful to Mom. Especially when Mom's so obviously upset. She says they can't stand your new girl...and they may be saying things to her that, rightly or wrongly, she can interpret that way. They may even be feeling a little torn about the situation, therefore confused or unsafe, and that gets us right back to wanting to be angry. While I'm sure there's no real trauma, it's ALWAYS a good idea to talk it out with your kids...make sure they know that no-one's trying to replace their Mom, and that they aren't being asked to take sides. Ever. Even if they already know it, sometimes it's good to shore up the knowledge. Just because they're telling you they're ok with it, doesn't mean they're not telling her what she wants to hear too. Us kids get real wrapped up in pleasing our parents when they get divorced, sometimes. We grow out of it (hardcore ;), rebellion is a real kick in the chops sometimes).....but especially at the beginning, I know we made it harder than it had to be on ourselves by trying to keep everyone happy. Just a random thought.

All together though, I'm just wishing you peace....time smooths all the rough parts out, you just have to hang in there. Hope it gets better soon.

[imalikalotapuss]

GingerV: Thank you for giving me a little different perspective. What you have said makes a lot of sense. It is a difficult situation for the kids, and i have told them that there mom is there mom and no one else is trying to replace them. I suppose that in her mind that i have replaced her and am trying to have her take over as mom to the kids. I have tried telling her that she is always going to be there mom and that i have no intentions of taking that away from her. Although she has tried to do that to me. What frustrates me is no matter what i say or do, it is always taken and twisted into anything close to the truth, so i don't say anything to her. I hope that you are right and that time will smooth this out, cause frankly it is not a lot of fun for anyone.

[huntersgirl]

I have an ex that twists everything too. I have found the best way to communicate is in writing. That way whenever he says, "you said...." I can pull out my copy of what I wrote and say "No, I said...." I try to keep all discussions to email and typed letters, especially ones that I know he will dispute or twist. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.:)