A scary trip through my mental nightmare.

[silentsoul]

First off, I'll let you know now that I'm bored and just decided to ramble on about something I realized the other day. It's nothing sexual and will bore most, scare some, and fantasize few.

Also, I'm not looking for pity or sorrow. The days that I've lived to today have made me the man I am and I am happy being that man.

For you to be able to understand any of this I need to give you some background. When I was 8 1/2 I was sent to a boys home because my parents were getting a divorce and they felt I needed a more structured environment than what they could provide at the time. The home that I live in was about three hours away from my home. It was what I refered to as a mansion. In fact it was the main house of a pre-civil war plantation.

At this home were 9-12 children including me ranging in age of 7-18. Except for maybe 6 months of my 2 1/2 year stay there I was by far the youngest and smallest. This was a place mostly for kids that have anger or behaviorial problems, as was the case with my brother who was there about a year before me and got kicked out about 6 months before I left. As of now, my 23 y.o. brother is serving 43 years for multiple armed roberies. Whenever any of the other guys got mad or stressed out about something, and there was ALWAYS something they had two choices. They could take it out on the "house parents" (a couple that changed about every 6 months) and obviously get punished or they could take it out on me. Needless to say, I was always running from somebody. I will however admit that a good bit of the time I deserved what I got but it was nothing any worse than a 9 year old little brother would do.



Here comes the psycological part. Official diagnosis that I have been given range from PTSD, bipolar, rapid cycle manic depressive, to borderline schizophrenic. I have been given practically every psycological drug there is ranging from antipsychotics to anticonvulsants to antidepressants to you name it. I've been admitted to a mental hospital 4 different times. I lost count on how many times I've attempted suicide after 7. I still occasionally "slice" which is where I'll just start cutting away at my arm or something just as a desperate hope of relieving sudden feelings or built up stress. I'm about the most militant guy you'd ever know, but you'll never know me. I'm a hermit, I never leave the house hardly and whenever I do it's for as short a time as possible.

Here are just the symptoms that I have on a daily basis. EXTREME Paranoia, EXTREME social anxiety, if out in public I feel as though I constantly feel the onset of a panic attack, I have an overwhelming sense/feeling to run away as far and as fast as I can for no reason, my mood fluctuates, in a way I'm a perfectionist, if I mess up or make a stupid decision my mood can instantly go from being as happy or happier than the average guy to literally wanting to kill myself. I can't take more than one pill for a daily medication because of how many times I've tried to OD on pills.

Eh, that's all that I can think of right now and that's just on a "normal" day for me. It'd take me all night to list all the crazy shit that goes on between my ears.

Anyhoo (I know that's corny as hell but anyhoo is like the best word ever)......uh anyhoo:D I've repressed most of the memories of my past as a self defense mechanism and I recently focused on trying to remember and I realized that because of how often I was picked on and the amount I had to watch my back is what made me so paranoid.

My brother protected me from a good bit and I think that is why my way of thinking leans more towards the ancient dynasty's of china where the loyalty to and protection of ones family was above all else.

After hearing all of this you probably think that this was a horrible place and I would have been much better off never going. Obviously, no one will ever know. However, the home that I went to was based highly upon the christian religion. Although personal experiences have made me nearly dispise the christian religion, I do feel that some of the beliefs of the religion are just and worth following. These beliefs along with my own weird set of morals have combined to make me better towards women than most, at least I feel.

Anyhoo, I've falling asleep typing again so goodnight all you wonderful pixies.

[jennaflower]

silentsoul...

a complex man you are... a deep soul... I hope that someday you can embrace yourself the way that you are embraced here... you deserve happiness... especially within yourself..

HUGS

[Oldfart]

silentsoul

For someone who has seen the shit you have, you come across

as a caring, mostly together person.

Your self harm is your way of taking your attention from what's oppressing

you. As the "shrimp" you were not in a position to take your anger

out on others, so you turned to the only "safe" alternative.

Staying homebound keeps you out of situations where conflict may

arise, because your resulting anger only hurts you.

Picking between what are only old habits learned young and what

are serious psychological issues is for a better brain than mine

(medical training might help LOL), but you are dealing with it

in your own fashion.

Finally, listen very intently to jennaflower.

[babybunny]

SS~ *hugs* I wish I could say I know the extent of how you feel, alas I dont. I do know how it feels to suffer with suicial thoughts and anxeity as I suffer from Panic disorder. I havent been able to find any meds that dont make me feel sick as a dog.

I know what it is like to suffer the silent war that rages in ones self. I myself know what it is like to look at people who seem so happy and be so jealous of them. The pain never leaves...its like a hole that sucks every ounce of happiness and hope it can get its suction on. Sometimes we can ignore it, cover it up, and be ok for a bit. In the end though it still there. I have no advice on what to do to take care of it. I am still struggling to "get over it".


All I can say is, if you ever need anyone to talk to and empathize with you, I am here.


*HUGS*

~babybunny~

[silentsoul]

jennaflower - I am happy with myself, as happy as I've ever been. Thank you for your embrace, I see pixies as more than a website, it's a community.

Oldfart - You put a whole new meaning to hitting the nail on the head. The amount of time spent by myself over the years has given me the opportunity to really examine myself.

babybunny - This is a militant analogy so bear with me "standing in the middle of a minefield with no cover what so ever, a sniper has you in his sights and will begin shooting in 5 seconds." This is the best way I've found to describe the panic that I go through when around a lot of people I don't know. Therefore, I undoubtably know the hell one goes through when filled with panic. I take a daily antidepressant but for my other symptoms I rely mainly on marijuana. The onset and severity of the panic I go through, I can't afford to wait 30-45 min. for a pill to kick in. As I've said before, I can't take a lot of pills so anything more than my daily antidepressent is for emergencies and they basically put me into a drug induced coma. Marijuana is for me a miracle drug and it helps my panic instantly, it may for you as well.

[Grumble]

Hi Silentsoul,

Another pixie who has opened up and shown what life turns out like when your formative years are full of insecurity and anxiety.

Different circumstances to mine but similar results. You know how to live with yourself most of the time but there are times when you don't

I have had the panic attacks had the shrinks medication and manufactured my own private paranioa inside that fertile and dangerous weapon called the mind.

I have a drug called Effexor that mostly agrees with me and will be on it the rest of my life.

I also have been put on another far more friendly and upgrading drug, its called love and for me is dispensed in a curvy container that can be viwed elsewhere on this site.

I expect that this drug will be taken for the rest of my life also. Indications are that it will.

I am on your side buddy, I understand having been there so don't be afraid to PM if you want someone to chat with.

Take care

Ian

[babybunny]

SS~ I havent ever smoked or done drugs and I dont plan to.

Grumble~ I have tried Effexor, actually just tried adn had to stop. It makes me sick as a dog. =\

[celticangel]

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
what ever your diagnosis is, I hope that you recieve the correct support to enable u to live your life as u wish. May your God be with u and give u strength to cope with the darknesses u face.

CAxxx

[Aqua]

SilentSoul - We are indeed a community here, and it is here among friends that you have bared your inner-self so freely. As a Christian, it pains me to hear of your disdain for the religion although I must say I have known some Christians in my day that I was embarrassed to be affiliated with in ANY way, so I can understand your feelings there. Other than that, I can give no better advice than what has been offered above.

[LixyChick]

Not much more to add here (((((((silentsoul)))))))....except to say that I'm glad you've found the cathartic method of putting it all down in Pixes!

Two of my family members had some of your combined symptons....and I must say that just from reading your posts, I can tell that you are handling your life in a much better manner than my family members ever did!

I wish you health and happiness hun!

Oh....one more thing....and maybe it just applies to certain people. I occasionally smoke pot still and I have smoked since I was 12 y/o.......and I don't want to add to your paranoia but I've found that as I get older I tend to get a bit paranoid when I smoke in any place other than the safety of my own home......and even here at times I get a bit weirded out. It's frustrating as I used to enjoy the calm I'd get from the bud....and now things are different for some reason. Just had to add that as a precautionary heads up.......something you might look out for.

[Tess]

((( silentsoul )))

Yes, it looks like you have been throught the ringer and back. My youngest daughter, Desire', is bi-polar manic depressive, and at war with the world and herself. Her roller coaster of emotion is always erratic, and always sudden. She is either on top of the world, or in a deep pit of despair.

In order to try to get a handle on things, we went to a local support group at the local mental health hospital. There was quite a group of VERY INTERESTING people in attendance. Some were manic, and wouldn't shut up. Others were depressed, and tried to become invisible.

But the one thing that struck me, was that all these unique people shared some common characteristics. Most all were extremely intelligent, creative in words and humor, and open and genuine human beings. Although they had tough afflictions to deal with, they excelled in some areas that "normal" people don't.

By your mastery of prose, I suspect you share some of those hyper-creative talents. Focus on those positive things that are by-products of your condition. I also encourage to be active in any similar support group that may be offered in your community.

You will find that you will be surrounded by people who will say, "I know exactly what you mean". And you will also find that you don't have to fight your battles alone.

Take care of yourself, and I'm pulling for you :)

[cowgirltease]

((( silentsoul )))
You need to be loved and felt loved.
But you have to let them first.
Will you let us love you?
Kisses,
Brenda

[Grumble]

I just read through all this and it has moved me to tears

What a wonderful sort of community we have here, the understanding, support and love people show to fellow Pixies is pretty much way out of the ordinary.

Silentsoul will know, be comforted and strengthened that in a world where people shy away from problems of the mind, here at Pixies people are so sympathetic and supportive.

The very cream of people are the regular Pixies and I love you all.
God bless you all.

[curvyredhead]

Silentsoul,
I had a very dear friend growing up who had a remarkably similar circumstance. In the end it was too much for him and now he's gone. I do know what the kind of pain you've experienced can do to a person. I wish that there had been more I could have done for him, his memory will always be with me. If you ever need a caring shoulder or a map to a minefield just reach out, cause I will be there!

[silentsoul]

Well, I must say, there has been more response to this thread than I ever thought possible. First, I'd like to say thank you to everyone for all the wonderful things said here. It's very obvious that pixies is filled with very caring and loving people, thank you for everything.

curvyredhead- I'm sorry to hear of your lose. I chose to take experiences such as that and focus them towards making my life and peoples lives around me better for it.

Grumble - ditto

cowgirltease - bring on the lovin girl

Tess - It seems as though you've been able to see the behind the scenes type hell that I go through. The thing that is so hard for us is that we have a constant enemy, a constant war going on inside of us and the worst part is, that enemy is ourselves. We must focus on winning one battle at a time in order to win the war.

LixyChick - I wish your family luck in dealing with their problems. As far as the bud situation, I don't ever leave the house and if I do, I have to be buzzing a little at least. Next time you find yourself in that certain type of situation, just sit back, inhale, relax and enjoy your buzz. Everybody should be able to completely relax once in a while.

babybunny - no offense inteded, everyone is intitled to there own opinion.

Grumble - As of now, effexor is what I am on at this moment. It simply seems to help with my depression as well or better than other meds. However, my situation is a little fucked up since I also have an unusual immune system and end up needing to change medication about every 8 months because of it.

Again, thank all of you for your wonderful words of encouragement. I must say once again that I am fine now, this was all in the past. I haven't sliced for at least a year and my suicide issue is simply a constant thing that I have learned to handle in a way that it never gets too serious. Yes, I have a lot of stuff that is pretty messed up about me, but I'm living with it and I'm happy. The fact that we can have such a close knit family over the net make me even happier, thank all of you for everything.